Check the Oil on that Ford

We must run President Ford's cadaver through rigorous testing for posioning. It just seems like too much of a coincidence that he dies of poisoning right after Vladimir Putin gave everyone the idea of culling enemies with secret toxins. It is just too much of a coincidence also that Ford would choose to die right after the democrats win the congress with their crooked voting machines. I say hook a geiger counter up to that corpse. He was a great American.

Bush Has A Secret Plan to Win in Iraq

Anyone who views "Barney’s Holiday Extravaganza" on the Whitehouse.gov website will see that there is a hidden message about President Bush's secret plan:

http://www.whitehouse.gov/holiday/2006/barneycam.html#

The little dog Barney is responsible for the holiday show, but he doesn't have a plot. He goes all over the White House and nobody will help him. Finally, he does some hilarious American idol type auditions and gets Carl Rove for the show. He gets encouragement from Emmit Smith, which shows that Bush is good for Black people. The show is so good that even Dolly Parton goes to the show. This shows that Bush is good for women (you can't deny that Dolly is a woman! I met her at Dollywood once).

Finally, Barney’s show is a big hit. Everyone applauds.

I feel that this is an allegory for President Bush's secret plan to win in Iraq. Just like Barney, he is being accused of not being prepared. Ultimately, by staying the course, the show goes off without a hitch. Iraq will go off without a hitch as well, when we bring in a new, democratically elected, Saddam.

Saddam was represented in the show by the cat. Notice how the cat came out from behind the curtain, which represents prison. The cat (Saddam) walked right into the camera, as if it were walking right into our lives. After the cat came out, everything went smoothly for Barney. The problem with Saddam was that he was a ruthless dictator. He was not democratically elected. If he is democratically elected (we can provide the voting machines) he will no longer be a dictator. I am sure that with the right kind of pressure, the Iraqi government can grant him a pardon.

The Christmas show ends with Santa, a snowman, and another character waving to the audience and saluting Barney. They represent the three ethnicities of Iraq, united by Bush (Barney) in a new, Christian Iraq, with a "new" Christian President, Saddam Hussein-- who will have found Jesus in the US prison system. Saddam and the Bush family were friends before. They can be friends again. After all, he is the only person who can control Iraq. We need him.

Forgiveness, human reconciliation, and peace on Earth. It is a beautiful story and a beautiful plan.
Happy holidays. ---Porcupinetaxi

Bush Should Ignore Iraq Study Group

The job of a leader is to lead, not follow. President Bush should ignore the findings and suggestions of the Iraq study group unless he can use them to illustrate how we should keep going the way we are until victory. What part of "Stay the course" do they not understand? We must keep fighting until the job's done!

We would have won in Vietnam, heck we would have Hanaoi full of McDonalds instead of just a couple, if Richard Nixon hadn't turned so liberal. And remember that James Baker once worked for Ronald Reagan, who was too liberal and had alzheimers.

I am proud of President George Bush for standing up against the tide of popular opinion in this country. There is a true leader in the oval office!

Send Bush Cards

Our commander and chief needs us. He feels all alone, now that the Democrats staged a coup and the Republicans are pretending not to know him. The president needs cards from regular people like you and upper class people like me so he won't feel like we don't appreciate what he is doing. Send your cards to

comments@whitehouse.gov.

President George Bush
The White House
1600 Pennsylvania Avenue NW
Washington, DC
20500

What Went Wrong!?

Everyone is asking what went wrong with the elections. I will tell you. Hugo Chavez, the friend of of Fidel Castro and president of Venezuela, hacked into the voting machines in the good old US of A and manipulated the results! Democracy? RIP. This is terrible because now President Bush feels nervous and insecure cause he thinks he has lost support. From the people I have been talking to, I get the idea that he really got the majority of the vote--the Republicans anyway.

Election Day, USA!!!

It is election day in the United States and I spent most of the day talking to voters outside of various neighborhood polling places. They tell me that it doesn't matter who you vote for, the important thing is that you educate yourself and vote for the most qualified candidate.

I couldn't disagree more. We have to send a strong message around the world that we support President Bush. If we act all fragmented now, the terrorists may blow up the super bowl!

Don't get me wrong, I am not saying that President Bush is less qualified than anyone. After all, he is not running. And did you hear what John Kerry said about the troops all being retarded? It's enough to make me want to break one of the ten commandments.

Anyway, I am not worried. We have the voting machines. They will do what's right. LOL!

North Korea Doesn't Deserve to Have its Own Bomb

North Korea doesn't deserve to have its own bomb. Let's look at things logically. All the countries who have atomic bombs have a rich history (except Pakistan). North Korea doesn't have a history at all, except for Kim Jong Il putting people in front of the firing squad for drawing a picture of him wearing a diaper. Heck, North Korea isn't even a country.

England, that is a country. And we kicked their ass in a little war that we like to call the War of 1812! Israel hints that they have a bomb, but let's face it, even if they have one, they will be too cheap to ever explode it. Russia is a democracy now. China makes almost 90% of the toys used in the USA by our kids. Those two countries have come a long way since the cold war. We can't even really call them commies any more. France has the bomb, but heck, they invented the guillotine. They are just as likely to use it on themselves as on anyone else.

Finally there is India. They are too busy making lousy movies that don't make any sense. Don't tell me Gandhi's country is capable of letting off a nuclear device. Ain't gonna happen.

North Korea just doesn't fit in to our group. Sorry Kim, but we don't want a guy with a girls name in our club anyway!

Foley Was Drunk So he Is Not To Blame

The Christian thing to to would be to forgive The honorable Representative Mark Foley for his transgressions so that we can keep our grip on the house. After all, he has reported that he was abused by an unnamed pedophile priest when he was a teen. On top of that, he was drunk and using an electronic device. He is over 50 and from Palm Beach County.

Don't you remember how all those old Palm Beachers were confused by the voting ballots in the past election? Foley probably didn't even know what buttons on his Blackberry he was pushing. Now he has enrolled himself in an alcoholicism treatment facility, so the problem is solved. Now that he is cured, he will never again invite a young teenager to have "a drink" at his place. We must forgive him because Jesus would have forgiven him.

Teenagers and kids, on the other hand, are electronically savvy. We can not forgive the kids for what they have done. It is really sickening.

Do you Get the Point, Osama?

The good old USA will stop at nothing to defeat the terrorists who attacked us on September 11, 2001. Osama bin Laden has tasted our resolve in the form of a knuckle sandwich delivered by our beloved commander and chief, President Bush. The president has shown that we are just as willing to make sacrifices, as now more soldiers have died in the war on terror in Iraq than people died in the attacks on 9/11.

Get it Osama? You kill "X" number of people, we will sacrifice"X" plus one, until we get you.

On a lighter note, I would like to announce that I have a girlfriend. She is the most beautiful girl in the world, and what a cook!

The Geneva Convention Didn't Know What They Were Talking About

The President is right! The people who made the Geneva Convention were a bunch of uneducated foreigners. I mean, for some people, listening to the wrong kind of music is torture. Are we going to try our CIA interrogators for treason just because they were listening to a cassette by Benny Cantini during a simple Q and A with a suspect. Give me a break. Congress needs to pass a law that defines torture of people as something practiced by other countries, not the USA. Problem solved and everyone is happy.

Elections are upcoming and We are going to Kick Some Tail

The Democratic crybabies are going to say that we cheated again, but let me tell you, there is no way to check the trail of voting machines. It is all computerized and, well, by George, we will do it again. Democrats, you are stuck on stupid. If you want to win another election there is only one way: SWITCH To REPUBLICAN. Ha ha ha.

Let's Not Give In To Terrorists

The terrorists have undoubtedly invested heavily into Gatorade and then dumped the stocks right before starting the commotion about bringing explosive Gatorade into those (flimsy) British planes. I say that we should buy double the amount of Gatorade now. That way, they will regret their stock market manipulating scheme. Buy Gatorade, and pass this on to anyone you know by cutting and pasting. Don't let the terrorists win!

Start a Gusher Under Santa's Reindeer

Now is the time to start drilling for oil in the Artic National Wildlife Refuge. With all of this turmoil in the Middle East, all signs point to Armageddon. We Born-again Christians will soon be sucked up into Heaven with the rapture, so we might as well use the oil for our driving needs and enjoyment. Yes, I believe I deserve every feature on my expensive, gas guzzling, SUV.

Back to the topic, if we don't use the oil it will go to waste, since the good Lord is going to destroy the world, we might as well use the precious fuel that he has given us. To not use it would be like a child throwing a birthday present back in the face of his father, without opening it. We have no right to insult the Lord so.

Don't Mess With God's Chosen People

Well, I hope those terrorists learn their lesson, if you mess with God's chosen people, then you are going to get burned. I may not be Jewish, but I consider myself to be somewhat of a Biblical scholar of the old testament. If those fellows would put down their Korans and pick up a Bible, they would see that you just can't mess with the Jews. Look what happened to Hitler!

One thing about my country, the good old USA, we always bet on the winning horse. If you kidnap an Israeli, the USA will provide all the bombs and planes necessary to respond to their ransome note.

Rush Limbaugh Drug Possession being Blown Out of Proportion

I have to bring up a point about my colleague in media, Rush Limbaugh. The liberal media is getting all pumped up about him carrying illegal prescription of viagra into the country and getting busted by customs. Well, those liberal cry babies are being excessively hard on him. You see, Rush is not married. He holds traditional values dear and therefore would not have sexual relations outside of marriage. Any idiot who listens to him would know that. Obviously he is showing honor by protecting the person who really needed the erection drugs. Obviously, Rush was transporting them for some married friend who has a plain or non-stimulating wife, and who was probably trying to conceive a baby.

For the record, he was not holding the viagra for me. Heck, I am single.

A Response to Comments About My Blog On Beetle Baily

I have received many comments about what I said about Beetle Baily in an earlier blog. Well, I stand by my comments because that is what I honestly believe. I don't write in this blog based on popularity polls. I have to write what I feel is right. If Beetle Baily goes to Iraq, American kids will follow, and Iraq will be free.

Another Great Day In California

I am going condor hunting! I mean, these endangered species are endangered for a reason. They are just too dumb to survive. I say mow down the koala trees!

Ann Coulter is on my Nightstand

One of my readers commented recently that I should write Ann Coulter and ask her for a job as a joke writer. Well, readers, do you think she would give me a job? Every morning and night, her photo is the one I say "good morning" or "good night" to. My fantasy is meeting her on the beach and then she asks me to rub some oil on her.

They Seem To Like "Hanging Around" in Guantanamo

Those terrorists who hung themselves with bedsheets in Guantanamo will finally get their trial. I bet they are going to s*** their pants when they see Jesus there sitting on his throne next to God. Just imagine:

"Abdul, Why does the judge have holes in his hands and feet?"
"I don't know, Omar, but I think we bet on the wrong horse!"
"Horse? What ever are you talking about?"
"Is it too late to convert?"

Why Isn't Beetle Baily in Iraq?

If you ask me, Beetle Baily is just as bad as the draft-dodging Bill Clinton. If he really loved this country, he would be in Iraq! Sarge should be in Iraq, too! And his little dog with a uniform, he should be sniffing out mines. All of these characters in the funny papers are telling kids that it is ok to not be in Iraq. What this country needs is more kids thinking it is a good idea to go to Iraq. Heck, we need to replace the ones that can't fight any more.

The Iraquis are crybabies

What the Devil do they expect? I mean, now the Iraquis are complaining because soldiers are torturing and killing them? Come on. Let's get real. It is a war. If you were shooting people all day, you would have trouble too, stopping the killing, and if a little kid kept bothering you, asking for a stuffed animal when you had given all of your supply away, well you might just decide to blow him away. It is human nature.

Rush Limbaugh Admits No Crime

Rush Limbaugh has proven that he is innocent of using multiple doctors so that he could get a huge stash of powerful painkillers. Unfortunately, he had to make a deal with the court to prove his innocence, but a dropped charge is a dropped charge.

Maybe he did some creative doctor shopping, but the poor guy has been under stress, what with his listenership turning away from him and some of them getting hooked on drugs themselves, and let's not mention the president's approval rating, which is being misrepresented.

It is enough to make anyone take drugs and how about that Ted Kennedy!?

So after a year Rush will not have a criminal record. No record, no crime! It is as simple as that.

Bush Is Listening to your calls, Good Idea!

The president is listening in on your calls and you are going to get it if you say something that is unpatriotic or against the USA. And if Osama calls you, well George might say, "Make my day!"

I have nothing to hide, so if my call is being monitored, I hope the unknown listener learns something from my enlightened opinions.

I just hope none of our secret agents dies of boredom, from listening to the babbling and incoherent drivel from some of our liberals who don't like me or Ann Coulter.

Rats are abandoning a Ship that is in Ship Shape!

Some people say that the Bush people who are leaving the administration in droves are leaving like "rats from a sinking ship." Well, I am here to tell you that they are leaving because they have done such a good job that there is no more room for improvement.

Approval Rating is being mis-reported

Our president's approval rating is actually higher than the press is reporting. Instead of hiring polling companies to survey the people for approval percentages, they should go down to the local gun shop and then ask the customers as they walk out the door, then we would get a higher aproval rating...one with power!

We Can and Will Bomb Iraq into Submission

Maybe Bush knows that the best way to be heard is to make a loud sound. We will sound the chimes of democracy with fireworks! It will be the 4th of July every day. And they will honor Bush with the Nobel Peace prize. The Iraqi people will probably be so appreciative that they will put the visage of "W" on their money.

Popularity Rating Misinterpreted

President Bush's all time level of popularity should not be measured in the polls in the United States. The American People give a skewed idea or what they like because of the Liberal Media. If the poll were taken in Iraq, well, then old George would be very popular because the media there is not irresponsibly unregulated and the people know that Bush is doing what is best for them, building democracy.

Keep Your Friends Close, Enemies closer!

Bush has demonstrated his often misunderstood genius again with his plan to hand over the ports of the USA to a company based in the United Arab Emerites. If people would just think about it they would realize that Bush has led the country into the perfect solution for tracking terrorists. If we know where they are, we can follow their every move!

Some talking heads and career politicians have called his move crazy. Sure it is crazy, crazy like a fox!

Cheney is not to blame for shooting a man's face and heart

Vice president Cheney is not to blame for shooting a man in the face and heart. The fact is that the man who got shot walked in front of the shotgun's path. Cheney is a crack-shot and was tricked by a wild quail, which had infiltrated the farm-raised quail that Cheney and his group were hunting. If anyone is to blame, it is the quail.

The state of the union has never been better

The state of the union has never been better and I am offended at those Democratic crybabies who keep whining about the doom and gloom in New Orleans. It is not the job of the government to rebuild a city destroyed by god. To rebuild new orleans would be going against the will of god. Besides, we need that money for the wars.

A little Humor

Bush shouldn't be intimidated because people say he has overstretched his powers, after all, isn't that what Clinton did with Monica Lewinski? LOL

Bush Probably Never heard of Abramhof

President Bush probably never heard of Jack Abramhof. When this investigation clears the dust, I predict that Abramhof was breaking the law not to help the Republicans, but to help the Democrats.

As for the people who suggest that Bush broke the constitutional law when he authorized spying on american citizens, they should be spied on and then tortured if they are found to be doing anything that Bush considers unpatriotic!