Idaho Senator is not a Homo

That senator from Idaho who was arrested for reaching his hand under a bathroom stall and touching the leg of an undercover cop was probably just trying to get toilet paper. It has happened to all of us. After eating too many potatoes, you find yourself there on the throne when suddenly your feelings of relief are overcome by panic because the toilet paper spool is empty. It is only natural to ask the person next to you for a couple of squares. It is what Jesus would have done. That cop was inhuman to not pass any TP to the honorable senator from Idaho.

If anyone should be arrested it is that illegal alien custodian who was too lazy to replace the bathroom supplies.

We should focus on more important things, like Osama Bin Laden planning to attack us again.

How About a Rove-Cheney Ticket?

Brilliant GOP White House strategist Carl Rove has left his post at the White House. We can't let his incredible talents and experience go to waste. He has already helped this country so much. Just imagine what he could do as president!

I say that Carl Rove could be the strongest candidate for the GOP (God's only party). He would knock those liberals on their behinds. He would blanket the countryside with cigars with Hillary's name on them, and poems rhyming Obama and Osama. They wouldn't know what hit them.

With Rove's genius for domestic policy and Cheney's skill in the international arena, this country would show the world just what the USA is all about.

Rove/Cheney, that's the ticket!

Teachers in Space: I Have a List

NASA just shot another teacher into space. Let's wish them luck because this isn't the first time they have tried this teacher in space thing.

In the 1980's Ronald Reagan was president and I feel he was very brave to permit that teacher to ride on the shuttle. We all know what happened: the teacher pushed the wrong button and the shuttle self-destructed.

Now they are trying it another time. I have some suggestions for teachers to send into space. My third grade teacher, Mr. Smithcone, was such a pain. He was always sending me to the office for giving my opinions. Helloooo Mr. Smithcone? How is a student going to learn if you are always sending him to the office???!!! I didn't learn to read until the 4th grade because of him, so I would like to volunteer him to push the buttons on the next shuttle flight.

LMAO

Laura Bush Comforts The Twin Cities

When a disaster strikes, the White House brings out their secret weapon, Laura Bush. The people in Minnesota take such comfort from her presense. Maybe it is because she is the mother of two fine young ladies, maybe it is because she is a former school librarian, or maybe it is because she is the wife of our commander and chief. Laura Bush tours the collapsed bridge and offers tremendous comfort to the victims and family members of the victims.

Our government knew just what to do in response to the tragedy in Minnesota. As soon as the First Lady got off the plane you could hear the Twin Cities breathe a sigh of relief!

P.S. Now, just watch as the Democrats try to politicize this tragedy and use it as a way to raise taxes to "repair infrastructure." Don't buy it people. Our infrastructure is fine. That bridge was a fluke.

Let's all Wish Cheney Well

The vice president was released from surgery to fine-tune his pacemaker. Now his heart has the precision of a finely tuned American made watch! I don't know if any of my readers remember the old TV series starring Lee Majors: "The Six Million Dollar Man." Well Dick Cheney is my hero, my "Six Billion Dollar Man!"

Some of you may have not known that Cheney was acting as president while President Bush underwent anesthesia for a procedure where a modern camera was run through his anus, ascending, transverse, and descending colon. We all breathed a sigh of relief when none of the polyps were found to be cancerous. Thank God.

During the entire time that Dick Cheney was serving as president things went off without a hitch. I would say that he is more than ready for the job. Obvious question: Why doesn't Dick run for pres in 2008? I think he would kick ass!

Give Noreiga a Green Card

Remember old Manuel Noreiga? He was arrested and incarcerated by U.S. troops for his Anti-America comments in 1989 while he was the strongman in charge of Panama. President Reagan, bless his soul, once referred to him as Old Pineapple Face.

Well, Manny's sentence is about to come to an end and it is time to let bygones be bygones. In an interview with Trinity Press, he stated that he is sorry for what he did and now accepts Jesus Christ as his own personal savior. Let me tell you, it doesn't get any better than that.

We must forgive him, not only because we are a Christian Nation, but because we need his help. We tried to give democracy to the Iraqis, but those Moslems just went into civil war mode. The only way they will accept our values is with a Christian Democracy, implemented from the top-down.

I know that the President Bush reads this blog. Mr. President, Manny is our man! Heck, We could even print a picture of a pineapple on their money.

I Want my Chinese Butler

I have come up with an ingenious idea to stop illegal immigration. If we take away the jobs, then those freeloaders from South of the border won't feel so motivated to come here. How are we going to take away the jobs? Easy.

In China, you can go to prison for treason just for saying you don't like the premier's haircut. Once you are in prison, you are fair game for working as slave labor in a factory which exports toys, or other products to the West. Well, if we bring some of these Chinese convicts to the USA, we can put them to work and we won't even have to pay them!

If we give them the jobs that illegals traditionally take, the jobs Americans don't want, then presto! No jobs no Mexicans. Everybody wins. Heck, they might begin selling egg foo young at Taco Bell. LoL

Californicators are At it Again

I tell you, it is rough living in a state run by so many bumbling liberals who don't think things through. The Golden State should be called The Homo State!

It was reported in the LA Times that a bill backed by liberals in the state government was narrowly defeated. This bill was to make spaying or neutering your pet mandatory for all pet owners in the state!

Could you imagine if this passed? It could have been called the "Pussydog Act." It would have rendered all dogs in the most populous state either gay or lesbian. The Mexican dogfights in East LA would turn into canine homo porno. Seeing eye dogs might lead a blind person into on-rushing traffic just because they want to avoid splashing through a mud puddle and getting their coat dirty. What is the next law they will pass? To have all dogs hair done each Friday, with pink bows, under pain of death?

Imagine if this law spread to other states. I can see it now: "Sled dogs drop out of Iditerod race in order to have a pedicure!"

I thank Jesus for answering my prayers for not letting this ridiculous law pass. My dog thanks Jesus too!

Scoot out of THe WAy!

Ha ha. Scooter is not going to have to serve time. An that "hefty fine" is nothing for him. Don't mess with the administration. Now, I know that the president reads my blog.

Read my lips: P-A-R-D-O-N.

The liberal press don't know what hit them. Ha.

Scooter, I trust you with my secrets any time.

Monica Lewinskii Doesn't Endorse Hillary Clinton

When a reporter asked Monica Lewinskii if she supported Hillary Clinton for president, she remained quiet. I wonder why she didn't endorse Clinton?

It seems that she has finally learned to keep her mouth shut when it comes to the Clintons.

The Press is Rubbing Salt into the Wounds

It seems that the liberal press has its reasons for focusing so much on Paris Hilton's sorrows and rubbing salt into her wounds. Every time something good happens in Iraq, they pull out poor Paris's mugshot!

It turns out that the press completely ignored the fact that our surge has been totally successful at reaching its goal number of soldiers in Iraq.

Also, the press chose not to report that our soldiers will come home as early as next year, if the Iraqi troops are ready to handle the situation then.

Perhaps the saddest example is that a soldier's wife actually sent soil from the good old US of A to her hubbie in Iraq, along with some grass seed so he could have a chance to walk on "American soil." Well, he got that grass growing and he trims it with scissors. But you wouldn't know that from the liberal press. That young couple did all that work for no recognition.

The press is too busy showing Paris's mugshot and pointing out that her tax cut is bigger than yours. Give me a break. Honor the troops. Don't dishonor Paris Hilton.

Pardon Scooter Libby

I don't see what all the fuss is about. A liberal judge with an agenda puts an outstanding public servant (assistant to the undeniably best vice president) behind bars just because he could not remember details of when (or if) he revealed the identity of a CIA operative to a newspaper reporter.

If she were such a good secret agent, why couldn't she keep her secret?

President Bush, it's time to get out your pardon pen!

Keep the Jails Available for The Real Criminals

Ever since I spent that drizzly morning trying to get on camera outside of the windows of the Today Show on a trip to New York about a year ago, I have been enchanted. She drove by in a SUV Limosine and there was no mistaking her smooth skin, long neck, and Coulteresque hair. It was Paris Hilton, heir to the fortune of the great American entrepeneur, philanthropist, and capitalist Conrad Hilton.

I felt like I was seeing royalty. Let me tell you, that car was the cleanest car I have ever seen!

That very same day, a little bit later, a waitress who was crying, clumsily, spilled a glass of water on my fries and did not say she was sorry when she replaced them. She said something in a foreign language--Puerto Rican or Mexican, maybe.

I think the moral of my story is clear: Let's keep the room in the prisons for the people who are really breaking the law, the illegal immigrants.

Meet Me at the Beach

I am heading out to the beach with my harpoon in hand. I hear that those two hunchback whales just got tired of having a gay old time in old Frisco and are coming this way. Maybe I can get some of my Jap friends to help me aim the harpoon. Sushi anyone?!

LoL.

A Message for Memorial Day

I want you to know that Memorial Day is not a day for hot dogs and apple pie and one-man-bands. It is a day to remember our war dead. I suggest that all of you readers out there on the internet, shut down your computers and make a treck out to the cemetary to honor all the graves with flags on them and pray for Jesus to make more young people volunteer for our armed forces to defend this great country. Now that we got Saddam we must fight to impose democracy on the Iraqis, so that they do not come here.

Heaven Is A Little Fuller Tonight!

Well you might as well not pray tonight because Heaven is going to be busy. I can see God now sitting around that big kitchen table in the sky and laughing wholeheartedly at the amusing and telling anecdotes of our dearly departed icon of love and understanding, the Reverend Jerry Falwell.

While Jesus is listening, God is holding Jerry in his welcome embrace (in a totally non-gay way) and repeating how proud he is of how the Reverend lived his life. I tell you, Jesus may even get a little jealous because of all the attention Jerry is getting!

Yes, our Jerry Falwell has left Lynchburg, Virginia and gone home to the Lord. I don't know what we will do without him.

Oh yes, and I was just kidding about not praying tonight. God always hears your prayers. His eye is on the sparrow. Maybe we can pray for Jerry to send down a little lightening bolt for Hillary. LOL.

Democrat Congress Gets Low Ratings!

Ha ha ha. A recent survey showed that the Democrat controlled congress gets ratings that are almost as low as the President's! Ha ha. Lol!

The Republican Debate Showed too Much of A Good Thing!

Rudy can really keep his steam in control when the terrorists attack. John McCain is so tough that he could, at his advanced age, still kill Osama Bin Laden with his bare hands. Yes, the Republican debate showed that we are like a child with a kids' menu at Applebee's. There are too many good choices! The most pleasant surprise was Tom Tancredo, of Colorado. He made many good points about how immigrants are actually making this country less secure by weakening it and constantly taking advantage of it. Sometimes every American must imagine what is would be like without some rude slob standing in front of the supermarket line and bumbling for change because, surprise! We don't have pesos in the USA--we have good old fashioned dollars!

Soldiers Give out Stuffed Animals To Iraqi Kids

The liberal press only wants to report the bad things, roadside bombs, mortor attacks, corruption. Well, wouldn't it be nice if they reported some news that could give the troops a warm fuzzy feeling? So far the troops have given out 7499 stuffed animals and stuffed smiley faces donated by the Wal-Mart Corporation. That is one toy for every child who wanted one in the largest orphanage in Bagdad, and one toy for every child who wanted one in the childrens' amputee ward of the National Hospital, currently run under the aegis of the good old US Army. Many of these kids never had a new toy in their life under the dictatorship of Saddam Hussein. The US Military is bringing joy and happiness and I challenge the mainstream liberal press to report it some time!

It's A Mexican Standoff!

Well, the Democrat party and Attorney General Alberto Gonzalez are toe to toe, eye to eye, waiting to see who will blink first and who will drop the chalupa. My money is on the sombrero-guy. He's not sleeping under a cactus with a burro, like most Mexicans. He is loyal to "el presidente" and I am damn proud of him!