Bush is a Good Judge of Character

If Bush says that he looked into Vladimir Putin's eyes and "was able to sense his soul," then Putin is obviously a stand-up kind of guy who will probably help the Georgians as much as we helped the Iraqis. I just wish the press would stop looking at this peacekeeping action as a bad thing.

By the way, Condie knows exactly what she is doing over there. Just stay tuned.

McCain Sees Exactly who Is To Blame

This just out of the LA Times:

LIMA, OHIO -- Republican presidential candidate John McCain said today that the nation's energy crisis is a direct result of congressional failure and called on Congress, now in a five-week summer recess, to get back to work.

McCain is right. This do-nothing congress has gotten us up this creek and we pay so many taxes that we can't even afford to buy a paddle!

McCain knows because he is has been a member of congress, the senate, for years. He is part of our government and knows how it works. Nothing goes on there without him knowing through his experience and connections.

Let me add that Barack Obama is a part of this congress, so he is part of the problem. He is a Senator from Chicago and he should stop all this campaigning and get back to work.

Hey, I am tired of putting my taxi in neutral and coasting down hills in order to save gas. We need to drill for coal now!

Obama's Trip Proves He Can't Be Leader

Barack Obama (My neighbor's three year old refers to him as broken cereal bowl, how cute.) has shown one thing by traveling to Europe and doing all those speeches: First of all, who would want to be cheered by a bunch of Germans? Isn't that exactly what Hitler did? And number two, nobody knew what the heck he was talking about. Those Germans speak German, they don't speak English. They were so confused that they probably thought he was Tiger Woods, so they cheered and applauded every time he paused. Obama should take a page from JFK's playbook: learn one line of German and then just keep repeating it!

By the way, it looks like McCain is on the verge of naming Huckabee for VP. Told you so!

Obama Supports Faith-Based Initiatives--Watch out for that one

Obama has said that he supports "some faith based initiatives which have been successful" in an effort to woe conservative voters. Sorry, this is one conservative who won't take the bait. Read the next paragraph and I will tell you exactly why.

When Obama says he is in favor of "Faith" based initiatives, most people think he is talking about the old ladies at the church making a meal for the homeless on Thanksgiving, or a group of clean cut Christians putting on a play about how a drug addict changed his life when he was saved by Christ. What Obama means is completely different. When Obama says "faith" based initiatives he means Jew, Buddhist, Hindu, Moslem, Pagan, and even Devil worshippers!!! Then the left over pennies might be tossed in the collection plate of your or my Christian church. Sorry, this won't fly with me. Let the terrorists pay for their own flight schools!!! LOL.

Don't Believe Obama's Lapel Pin

Barak Osama, I mean Obama, has taken to wearing a little American flag lapel pin. It is his way of camouflaging the fact that he hates America, like all the liberals. I don't know if any of the liberal press has the guts to do this, but I challenge them to measure the size of Obama's flag pin. I will wager dollars to doughnuts that McCain's American flag lapel pin is bigger. Something just doesn't sit right with a candidate who flip-flops his way into wearing a lapel pin, when, if reporters searched him, would probably have a copy of the Koran in his pocket.

C'mon. McCain was in the Hanoi Hilton. He deserves to be president.

Is Obama's Wife a Raving Lunatic?

Everyone in Washington is making bets about when Michelle Obama is going to crack. She really seems to hate shaking hands and smiling at all of those inconvenient white people. She grits her teeth like Aunt Jemima at the end of a long photo shoot and says, "It's so nice to meet you." Then she mutters something under her breath. I bet that is the reason she hates McCain so much. He is so white he is transparent.

It seems to me that she is going to crack. Her voodoo curses are going to come back and bite her in the 100% hindsight!!!

LOL.

Our Duty is To Mine for Coal

The USA has more coal than anybody. All we have to do is dig it up. Modern technology has reached a point where we can replace wasted space at the tops of mountains with open-pit coal mines which can serve everybody. Don't let anyone tell you that you don't deserve to drive a Hummer SUV. You deserve it as an American. God gave us the bounty of coal, but it is up to us to get it. Let's start digging.

Democrats Are Driving Up Oil Prices

I hope that people have noticed that it is because the Democrat Party has taken over congress that the price of gasoline has skyrocketed. Tax and spend, that is all they do. When are they going to learn to be part of the solution and not part of the problem?

Thank God that President Bush is sending me an economic stimulus check! God bless him.

The Oil Companies Will Get Us Out of this Mess

I truely believe that the big oil companies will get us out of this four dollar a gallon gasoline mess. They are the only ones equipped to do the research so that we can get alternative sources of energy from coal or surplus corn. Did you know that if Mexicans just stopped eating tortillas for one day, the world's supply of fuel would be taken care of for three months? Since the Mexicans are the second most obese country, I believe they could use the diet.

We must let our American oil companies drill for oil in the Alaskan wildlife refuge in order to buy them time to complete their research. I guarentee that Rudolf the red nosed reindeer will not mind a pipeline or two.

Thirdly, if any of our do-nothing senators tries to pass any law which cuts the windfall profits of the oil companies, write a sharply worded letter and explain to him (or her) that they can't solve the problems without money for research, and that's what we all need--to solve the problem.

Believe me, I am a taxi driver and I know about fuel.

Obama? Are you Kidding Me?!

I am sorry, but Osama, I mean, Obama is the best the Democrat Party can come up with? It seems to me that we might as well cancel the election. Obama would have a better chance of winning on the reality show "Pimp My Geek."

What with his giant feet and big ears, he looks like one of those characters from Fat Albert all grown up. He talks like Al Sharpton trying to be white. His wife, who hates America, looks like she's trying to copy Condeleeza Rice's hair- do but with cheaper hair products. She had better not stand still in the wax museum for too long or some janitor may try to dust her. And why doesn't he wear old glory on his lapel? Would it kill him to respect the USA?

I tell you: It won't fly in Garden Grove, where I am from, and it certainly won't fly in the USA.

I was originally a Huckabee man, but now I tell you there is only one thing that John McCain needs to win my support.

That thing is Wacko Bama.

Democratic Debate In PA Shows Slim Pickings

While I was unclogging my toilet I noticed that the Democrat debate from Pennsylvania came on my new big screen plasma TV, so I decided to watch between plunges.

Man, Obama and Hillary really hate each other. At one point Obama's face turned purple because he was so mad when a patriotic newsman asked him why he didn't wear an American flag pen on his lapel. He didn't have an answer. He didn't want to say the truth (that he hates America) so he turned to Hillary and, you guessed it. Either I was plunging too hard or I heard him say it. He pretended to cough but he really said "B**CH.

Hillary didn't score any points either, when she first admitted that she made up the story about snipers shooting at her in Bosnia but then showed a scar on her thigh which she insisted was from one of their bullets.

Democrats suck!!!

McCain is going to win and his vice president will be Huckabee. Long live Huckabee!!!

A Slave is Not a Strong Leader

I am getting so tired of the liberal talking heads quoting half-baked studies that say more Americans than ever feel that the USA is on the wrong track. I suspect that a lot of illegal aliens participated in that particular poll. Maybe some French tourists as well. Anyway, everyone I know agrees that the US is on the right track, but lets just pretend that there is something to that poll. What would that say about our leaders?

I'll tell you what it says. It says that our leaders, Bush and Cheny will not be cowed, will not be intimidated, will be leaders. The job of a leader is to lead. The administration is just showing us that they are true leaders. They are doing what has to be done, no matter how unpopular it is.

I am proud of them.

Sure Way to Stop Global Warming

The theory of global warming states that excess carbon dioxide emissions are making this planet like a greenhouse. Don't greenhouses make plants grow better? Hello?! Don't we like plants to grow well? We need to grow plenty of corn and other foodcrops for our next generation of bio-fuels. Wouldn't it be perfect? Instead of building a giant greenhouse, we make the world into one.

People say the glaciers are melting and the polar bears are running out of turf...Who needs glaciers anyway? I am sure Disney can mock up some glaciers that are even more interesting than the real ones. I already know that they can make some excellent animatronic bears.

Well, I guess you are thinking that my title is a little misleading. I wrote that title as a way of tricking the tree huggers into reading this. They need to face the truth and accept it. You drive cars, too. Don't you, tree huggers?

The Democrats Want 4000 Americans Heros to die in Vain

The Democrats have been jumping around shouting "Cut and run! Cut and run!" as if four-thousand is some kind of magic number which means we should abandon our duties in Iraq. Let me point out something: Four-thousand is just three thousand ninety nine plus one!

That's right. Why were those liberals waiting for the number of war casualties to get so high? I will tell you. They want America to look bad.

President Bush pointed it out very succinctly: Most of the families of the heroes who have died would like their family members not to have died in vain. We must respect their wishes and keep fighting until our objectives are met and we have won the war on terror.

In 2001 we were brutally attacked with our own airplanes, which were hijacked by Arabs. We entered Iraq, an Arabic country, with a proud mindset to find Saddam's hidden weapons of mass destruction. Let me tell you something: We are gonna find those suckers.

Mark my words.

Floridians Still Don't Know How To Vote

The funniest laughfest of the day is when the newscasters start talking about Florida voters. Man, those fools still don't know how to vote. It seems that the Democrats moved their primary up into January when they were too hung over from New Years parties to be able to count the votes.

Those who voted for Hillary thought they were voting for Martha Stewart and those who voted for Obama thought they were voting for Bill Cosby.

It seems that a manatee tried to vote for Nader.

Those Floridians: Fruits and Nuts.

LoL and LmAO.!!!!!!

President Embraces John McCain

Since President Bush now has thrown the huge weight of his support to John McCain, well, who am I to argue with the commander and chief of the free world?

If Chuck Norris says that McCain is so old that he will probably drop dead in the oval office, well, he is just a crazy actor reading from an old script.

Or crazy like a fox.

I've got a great idea for a veep for McCain:

It's Huckabee.

The Huckabee Surge will Hit November Like a Sunami!!!

Polls show that people are tired of closet-liberal John McCain pretending to be a conservative. People are also tired of the debates in the democratic camp about who will proudly raise taxes more. It seems that Huckabee is the name circulating around at all the mega-churches. It feels like the traditional values people will do it again and keep God in the White House--with God's help, of course.

It's Huckabee.

What to Do On a Friday Night

I would look at the debate between Barako Bama and Hillary Clinton this weekend, but I have something better to do. I am going to go watch a ping-pong ball get thrown off a bridge. LoL.

Huckabee or not To Be?

Anyone who doesn't vote for Huckabee for president of the United States is a total idiot who hates God. There I said it. People have been hounding me for my opinion about the presidential race for months and I have refrained from giving my opinion because I want my readers to form their own opinions after I present them with the facts, fair and balanced.

I can't stand it any more. When John McCain, that geriatric coward POW who got out of combat by allowing himself to get captured appeared on the cover of Time Magazine. I was ready to scream. Why doesn't the liberal media play fair? Huckabee is the true conservative who can carry on Bush's legacy.

It's Huckabee.

Bush Comforts Tornado Victims

Those tornado victims in Tennessee are sure lucky to have a president like President Bush. He took time out of his busy schedule to go down there and comfort them--and he isn't even running for re-election.

More evidence that although he it tough, he is compassionate.

By the way, it looks like they are going to put those 5 terrorists on trial in Guantanamo. Ha ha. They don't have a chance! They already confessed to everything!

I love America. We always win.

Hillary and Obama Hate Each Other So Much

I got a kick out of watching that California debate between Hillary and Obama. They hate each other so much. You could tell that Hillary was wishing that Bill weren't so geriactric so he could kick Obama's skinny ass. And Obama, you could tell that he wanted to hand Hillary a broom so she could fly away. Ha Ha Ha. She is so devisive and he is so inexperienced for the job.

There is no way around it. President Huckabee.

The State of the Union was Spot-on!

The State of the Union address last night was a work of art. Every time the camera focused on those Democrats in the audience you could see the guilt all over their faces. They were ashamed to be there, what with their pork barrel projects and do-nothing work ethic.

As Bush repeatedly pointed out how they have screwed up, congress looked like a scolded child listening to a speech by a renaissance genius like Leonardo Da Vinci.

Oh, our only hope is Jeb. Otherwise, this is the last Bush State of the Union for a while.

Pray for the USA.

Are We Ready For A Mormon In the White House?

According to the Mormons, who are also known as the "ladder day saints" on account of they will need one heck of a ladder to reach Heaven, the angel Macaroni visited a man named Joseph Smith and gave him golden tablets with the Book of Mormon printed on them.

He promptly lost them.

I don't think we need anyone from such a scatterbrained religion in the White House at this time. Imagine this scenario:

President Romney: Drop the big one on Iraq!
Advisor: But Mr. President we have troops there.
President Romney: Oops! My bad. I meant Iran.

Sorry. I will vote for Romney when they find those golden tablets. We still have plenty of good Republican candidates. We'll get the white house.

Is America Ready for A Black or a Woman President?

The question in the title is actually a misnomer. Really the answer is this: It depends on who. Sure it is possible to have an African American or a Woman president. I will be the first to admit, some women, like my mother, are even smarter than men! Some African Americans excel in areas other than music and sports.

Hillary Clintion? I don't think so. She wasn't very smart when she chose her husband, was she?

Barack Obama? (rhymes with Osama), I don't think so. He couldn't even make a free throw. If he was so smart, then why did he move from Hawaii to Illinois?!

Ann Coulter would be a perfect president, she would be a breath of fresh air, and she is pretty as well! Unfortunately, she has too much job security. Yes, I guess it is possible to do your job too well.

My nomination would be for Condi Rice. She is going to be sending out resumes soon, and she has proven that she is top-notch. Her record speaks for itself. Plus, did anyone notice? She is black and a woman.

Yes, we are ready for an African American and a women in the oval office!

Congrats to The New England Patriots

I'll bet a lot of non-believers will show up at church services now that Tom Brady has lead the New England Patriots to an undefeated regular season. You see, that perfect season is a perfect example of the power of prayer. The Patriots got together and prayed for God's help before each game, and they got it.

If you ask, then God will be happy to give. Remember that little piece of truth as we roll into 2008. Prayer works wonders .

I think I see a super bowl ring for Tom Brady.

Happy Holidays, I Don't Think So!

Long ago the Druids, godless plant worshippers in barbarian Europe, implemented a conspiracy to undermine Christmas. Part of their conspiracy that still persists is the Christmas tree. These athiests (some say Satanists) specifically chose the tree as a symbol because they knew it was bushy enough to cover up the manger scene already in many houses and huts. DON'T BE A PAWN. DON'T BUY CHRISTMAS TREES!

Then in 313 AD, the Romans who were still clinging to Zeus and the other Olympian gods, erected a temple to the sun god, Helios, right next to a Christian Church approved by Emperor Constantine, the first Christian emperor. Helios was dressed up in, you guessed it, a red suit, cap and white beard. If you have any images of Santa Claus in your house, you are breaking the first commandment, "Thou shalt have no other gods before me!"

Next time someone says to you, "Happy holidays," tell them, "I don't think so. MERRY CHRISTMAS!"

Keeping the Christ in Christmas,

Porcupinetaxi

California Doesn't Get its Holier than thou Air Waiver

The Federal government said it would deny California’s bid to set stricter vehicle emissions standards than federal law required as part of the state’s efforts to fight climate change. Sorry California.

Who's going to want to live in a state where everyone has to drive a scooter with a smog device? Or a state where honest, small businessmen have to invest 150% of their profits on unsightly smokestack filters?

It seems that the powers that be don't want you to commit suicide by driving all the business out of your state. What good is fresh clean air if you don't have enough money to enjoy it!?

California, get a brain. You have a little smog. Get over it!

Tom Tancredo Shows Class

Tom Tancredo is the only Republican running for president who refused to participate in that sham of a Mexican slam, the Univision Presendential Forum in Spanish. Cudos to him. This is America! We didn't kick the Mexicans' ass in a war so that they could take over our country. If they want to vote, tell them what Tom said: "Learno Englisho!"

All the Fruits and Nuts Roll To Florida

It used to be that the United States was described as a melting pot. Then the popular metaphor was a salad bowl. In the days before Arnold, our governator, took the helm, people said that California was the place where all the fruits and nuts collected in the salad bowl. Well now we know where they have gone, right where we suspected: Florida.

The Florida government has decided to maintain the blubbering manatee on the endangered species list, when actually manatees are now doing better than ever. They have bounced back so well that they are becoming a real problem with there antics of swimming into boat propellers and lumbering around construction zones, interrupting development. It is not like these are a bunch of cute little baby seals. These animals are huge. What's more, they actually damage the environment with the way they swim. As they browse around our coasts and rivers, their huge flippers on the rears of their tails churn up lead, arsenic, and other toxic pollutants which would remain harmless on the sea floor for eternity if it weren't for these lumbering dinosaurs of the seal family.

Dinosaurs, that is what they are. Shouldn't they be extinct already?

I Nominate Condi Rice For Peace Prize

Mark my words, I want to be the first one to say it on the blogosphere. Condi Rice is going to bring peace to the middle east and win the Nobel Peace Prize.

She has taken on a huge job, getting those Jews and Arabs to the peace table. But if anyone can do it she can. We have seen how well she has crafted our strategy in Iraq. It seems that Iraq is so nice now that some of the US soldiers don't want to come home!

Another advantage is that as an African American woman, Condi can "give the look" to those Jews and Arabs. You know, open her eyes really wide while she is staring at them. They will think she is doing some kind of voodoo on them. They will be too scared to keep fighting.

I bet she will even be able to talk them into coming to services at her church, and shouting a few hallelujahs!

Porcupinetaxi Salutes The Troops

I send this one out to the troops so that they will know how much we appreciate all of their sacrifices to keep us free. I know how horrible it is out there in Iraq, crawling in the dust, eating second rate food, and always worried that the ground is going to blow up. I am so grateful that, on a beautiful day like today, I can go out to the beach in my SUV, look at all the pretty girls in bikinis, and say anything I want to the waiter in a restaurant.

If we were in another country the woman would be dressed in pup tents and we would be riding camels and I couldn't complain about the service or I would get my throat cut.

So thank you troops. You are number one. This Veterans' Day I salute you with a frosty mug of beer in this beachside restaurant with my laptop.

The Senate is Disrespectful to Overide the President's Veto

We look like fools in the eyes of the world when the government of the US contradicts itself. I am talking about the congress overriding President Bush's Veto of a bill that was just too darn expensive. I honestly wonder if Osama Bin Laden is paying off some of those Democrats so that they will screw up the government.

The veto they overrode was a law for some water conservation massive boondoggle project that, among other things, would clean up and protect the Everglades in Florida. It doesn't make any sense. Why would they clean up the Everglades if all of South Florida is going to be under water anyway? Right!!? Holier than thou Nobel prize winner Al Gore keeps saying that global warming will put Florida under ten feet of water. The Democrat Party obviously doesn't believe its own propaganda because you can't have it both ways. They wouldn't clean it up if they honestly believed it was going under water.

I say respect the president's veto. As for Florida we can all say, "It's all water under the bridge!" LOL.

They are Packin' Heat in Pakistan!

We really need to support the government of that dictator in Pakistan. He understands that it just doesn't work with those guys to have democracy. I mean, how can you let a bunch of bearded guys in linen robes choose the leader of a country. I am not saying that they are stupid, just ignorant for not picking up our customs from watching our movies. Most of them carry a Koran in their pocket. The only reason I would carry one of those is for if I run out of toilet paper. I am sorry, but it it true. The Bible is older, from the real God, and that settles it.

It is better to have a strongman, just as long as he is our friend.

Do you know the main reason? They got the bomb! If they vote democratically, they might pick that fumble fingers woman or worse, Osama Bin Laden as president!

What will happen then?

Boom!

Give Our Blackwater Boys Some Slack

Our Blackwater Corporation Mercenery boys are doing a heck of a job and we really need to cut them some slack. They are in Iraq specifically to do the jobs that the US military doesn't want to do. They get paid more because they are worth it. Nobody can say that they are not well trained because they were all trained by the US military.

By hiring private Blackwater soldiers, we shrink the ranks of the federal bureaucracy.

How Are Things in California?...Smokin'!

I tell you, living in such a bleeding heart liberal state really sticks in my craw sometimes. Get this: Smoke is everywhere, there is so much ash in the air that everyone looks like either Jed Clampett or Grandma Moses. I can barely see, through the smoke in the mini-mart, whether I am reaching for a Coke or a Pepsi!

Well, just as I am about to grab my Coke, this guy with a turban asks me to "Please extinguish" my cigarette. First of all, Americans don't use words like extinguish. Second of all, that turban on his head made him look like Osama Bin Laden's camel groomer.

I told him that it didn't make any sense for me to put out my cigarette, since everyone was breathing so much smoke anyway. Imagine that guy, traveling halfway around the world to bother me and infringe on my rights!

Although nobody else in the store said anything, I noticed that they sympathized with me. I lit another cigarette with the first one and paid for my soda pop.

Finally Someone is Talking Sense on The Networks

My cable went out and I couldn't get Fox News, so I tuned into regular network TV with this little gem of a TV I got for free when one of my fares forgot it in my taxi. I was pleasantly surprised to hear some sense coming out of ABC! You are probably one step ahead of me; you are right. I am talking about John Stossel.

Stossel is one of the few journalists on ABC who has the gutts to tell it like it is. He had several experts on the show, "20-20" who pointed out the secret that the liberals don't want you to know: Global warming may be a good thing. If it gets warmer in the north of the US, we will be able to grow crops there which never grew in that region, thus helping millions of hungry people by selling them food. Also, all that doom and gloom about low lying areas being flooded is just that--doom and gloom designed to scare our kids. No area anywhere in the USA is in danger of being flooded under ten feet of water overnight. It just isn't going to happen that fast.

So relax people. No need to worry about global warming. Let me end this with a quotation: "Give me a break!" John Stossel is on the job!

Gore Gets Peace Prize, BFD!

Apparently Al Gore got the Nobel Peace Prize for his movie about the poor little polar bears who can't find any ice flows to ride on. Boo Hoo, I say. Doesn't Gore know that if he, or one of his kids were on one of those ice flows with one of those polar bears, the bear would shread him or his kids to ribbons?

Tell me, what kind of father is that?

Nobel Peace Prize? I still say we should just give him a popsicle!

New York City Invites Turmoil

I just heard that New York City wants to pass a law to give illegal aliens drivers licenses. Excuse me, but are they stuck on stupid!?

Giving these people a license to drive is like handing out condums at the local high school. These people may not speak mucho English, but they will get the message: The Fast and The Furious, Part III!

It will be Tijuana Taxi time 24/7! I wonder how many New Yorkers will die because of some guy named Pepito driving around who can't see because he splashed hot sauce in his eye!

Let them Sell Lemonade if They Want Health Insurance!

Thank God for the president's veto pen. He just saved the USA from a huge debacle which would have totally socialized medicine for children in a Soviet-style "Hillarycare" scheme guarenteed to suck the coffers of the taxpayers' money dry. Kids need their parents to take responsibility for them and purchase reasonable health insurance from U.S. companies. Now, that is the way to keep the economy strong!

Besides, now that we are winning in Iraq, shifting funds from the war on terror would be just what Osama Bin Laden would want.

It Is Time To Purge the Iraqi Government

The Iraqi government is crying because some US mercenaries from Blackwater Security Company of North Carolina, USA shot some Iraqi citizens in an "unprovoked attack." Well, let me tell everyone here, I met some employees from Blackwater and gave them a ride in my taxi from John Wayne Airport to a place I am not allowed to disclose, and they are great guys and super tippers!

We need more of these Blackwater guys out there kicking ass in Iraq. Isn't it interesting, now that the US is winning, with the help of private security companies, the Iraqi army wants to kick the private companies out of the country? How convenient for the terrorists.

If you ask me it is time for the US to purge the Iraqi government. It seems to have been infiltrated by some of Osama's boys.

Shock and awe, anyone? LOL.

The Dream is Accomplished

They say that it is so peaceful in the Anbar Province of Iraq that American couples are booking their honeymoons there. The surge is really helping to pacify those crazy towelheads. The surge has been so successful that President Bush has announced that he will be reducing the number of troops. They've done their job! Some of the troops who were added for the surge will be coming home soon, early next year. Heck, I bet a lot of them get married and then hop on a plane to honeymoon in Anbar Province!

Democrats Have a Taco Fest!

I was flipping channels with my new flat screen TV I bought for over4 thousand dollars at Best Buy. Sometimes I check out the Mexican channel, just to see if I can spot my old gardener acting in one of those soap operas.

Well, tonight wouldn't you guess, I saw old Hillary and Obama and the gang doing a debate in Spanish. It was funnier than watching one of those old Japanese Kung-fu movies dubbed into English. It was translated into Spanish while those old democratic bumblers were speaking English. Hellooo? Can anyone please tell them that the people who vote speak English?! I mean, are they running for the president of the USA or Mexico?

As far as I can tell the Republicans have four, no eight more years in the bag.

Hey Hillary, don't drop the chalupa!

Idaho Senator is not a Homo

That senator from Idaho who was arrested for reaching his hand under a bathroom stall and touching the leg of an undercover cop was probably just trying to get toilet paper. It has happened to all of us. After eating too many potatoes, you find yourself there on the throne when suddenly your feelings of relief are overcome by panic because the toilet paper spool is empty. It is only natural to ask the person next to you for a couple of squares. It is what Jesus would have done. That cop was inhuman to not pass any TP to the honorable senator from Idaho.

If anyone should be arrested it is that illegal alien custodian who was too lazy to replace the bathroom supplies.

We should focus on more important things, like Osama Bin Laden planning to attack us again.

How About a Rove-Cheney Ticket?

Brilliant GOP White House strategist Carl Rove has left his post at the White House. We can't let his incredible talents and experience go to waste. He has already helped this country so much. Just imagine what he could do as president!

I say that Carl Rove could be the strongest candidate for the GOP (God's only party). He would knock those liberals on their behinds. He would blanket the countryside with cigars with Hillary's name on them, and poems rhyming Obama and Osama. They wouldn't know what hit them.

With Rove's genius for domestic policy and Cheney's skill in the international arena, this country would show the world just what the USA is all about.

Rove/Cheney, that's the ticket!

Teachers in Space: I Have a List

NASA just shot another teacher into space. Let's wish them luck because this isn't the first time they have tried this teacher in space thing.

In the 1980's Ronald Reagan was president and I feel he was very brave to permit that teacher to ride on the shuttle. We all know what happened: the teacher pushed the wrong button and the shuttle self-destructed.

Now they are trying it another time. I have some suggestions for teachers to send into space. My third grade teacher, Mr. Smithcone, was such a pain. He was always sending me to the office for giving my opinions. Helloooo Mr. Smithcone? How is a student going to learn if you are always sending him to the office???!!! I didn't learn to read until the 4th grade because of him, so I would like to volunteer him to push the buttons on the next shuttle flight.

LMAO

Laura Bush Comforts The Twin Cities

When a disaster strikes, the White House brings out their secret weapon, Laura Bush. The people in Minnesota take such comfort from her presense. Maybe it is because she is the mother of two fine young ladies, maybe it is because she is a former school librarian, or maybe it is because she is the wife of our commander and chief. Laura Bush tours the collapsed bridge and offers tremendous comfort to the victims and family members of the victims.

Our government knew just what to do in response to the tragedy in Minnesota. As soon as the First Lady got off the plane you could hear the Twin Cities breathe a sigh of relief!

P.S. Now, just watch as the Democrats try to politicize this tragedy and use it as a way to raise taxes to "repair infrastructure." Don't buy it people. Our infrastructure is fine. That bridge was a fluke.

Let's all Wish Cheney Well

The vice president was released from surgery to fine-tune his pacemaker. Now his heart has the precision of a finely tuned American made watch! I don't know if any of my readers remember the old TV series starring Lee Majors: "The Six Million Dollar Man." Well Dick Cheney is my hero, my "Six Billion Dollar Man!"

Some of you may have not known that Cheney was acting as president while President Bush underwent anesthesia for a procedure where a modern camera was run through his anus, ascending, transverse, and descending colon. We all breathed a sigh of relief when none of the polyps were found to be cancerous. Thank God.

During the entire time that Dick Cheney was serving as president things went off without a hitch. I would say that he is more than ready for the job. Obvious question: Why doesn't Dick run for pres in 2008? I think he would kick ass!

Give Noreiga a Green Card

Remember old Manuel Noreiga? He was arrested and incarcerated by U.S. troops for his Anti-America comments in 1989 while he was the strongman in charge of Panama. President Reagan, bless his soul, once referred to him as Old Pineapple Face.

Well, Manny's sentence is about to come to an end and it is time to let bygones be bygones. In an interview with Trinity Press, he stated that he is sorry for what he did and now accepts Jesus Christ as his own personal savior. Let me tell you, it doesn't get any better than that.

We must forgive him, not only because we are a Christian Nation, but because we need his help. We tried to give democracy to the Iraqis, but those Moslems just went into civil war mode. The only way they will accept our values is with a Christian Democracy, implemented from the top-down.

I know that the President Bush reads this blog. Mr. President, Manny is our man! Heck, We could even print a picture of a pineapple on their money.

I Want my Chinese Butler

I have come up with an ingenious idea to stop illegal immigration. If we take away the jobs, then those freeloaders from South of the border won't feel so motivated to come here. How are we going to take away the jobs? Easy.

In China, you can go to prison for treason just for saying you don't like the premier's haircut. Once you are in prison, you are fair game for working as slave labor in a factory which exports toys, or other products to the West. Well, if we bring some of these Chinese convicts to the USA, we can put them to work and we won't even have to pay them!

If we give them the jobs that illegals traditionally take, the jobs Americans don't want, then presto! No jobs no Mexicans. Everybody wins. Heck, they might begin selling egg foo young at Taco Bell. LoL

Californicators are At it Again

I tell you, it is rough living in a state run by so many bumbling liberals who don't think things through. The Golden State should be called The Homo State!

It was reported in the LA Times that a bill backed by liberals in the state government was narrowly defeated. This bill was to make spaying or neutering your pet mandatory for all pet owners in the state!

Could you imagine if this passed? It could have been called the "Pussydog Act." It would have rendered all dogs in the most populous state either gay or lesbian. The Mexican dogfights in East LA would turn into canine homo porno. Seeing eye dogs might lead a blind person into on-rushing traffic just because they want to avoid splashing through a mud puddle and getting their coat dirty. What is the next law they will pass? To have all dogs hair done each Friday, with pink bows, under pain of death?

Imagine if this law spread to other states. I can see it now: "Sled dogs drop out of Iditerod race in order to have a pedicure!"

I thank Jesus for answering my prayers for not letting this ridiculous law pass. My dog thanks Jesus too!

Scoot out of THe WAy!

Ha ha. Scooter is not going to have to serve time. An that "hefty fine" is nothing for him. Don't mess with the administration. Now, I know that the president reads my blog.

Read my lips: P-A-R-D-O-N.

The liberal press don't know what hit them. Ha.

Scooter, I trust you with my secrets any time.

Monica Lewinskii Doesn't Endorse Hillary Clinton

When a reporter asked Monica Lewinskii if she supported Hillary Clinton for president, she remained quiet. I wonder why she didn't endorse Clinton?

It seems that she has finally learned to keep her mouth shut when it comes to the Clintons.

The Press is Rubbing Salt into the Wounds

It seems that the liberal press has its reasons for focusing so much on Paris Hilton's sorrows and rubbing salt into her wounds. Every time something good happens in Iraq, they pull out poor Paris's mugshot!

It turns out that the press completely ignored the fact that our surge has been totally successful at reaching its goal number of soldiers in Iraq.

Also, the press chose not to report that our soldiers will come home as early as next year, if the Iraqi troops are ready to handle the situation then.

Perhaps the saddest example is that a soldier's wife actually sent soil from the good old US of A to her hubbie in Iraq, along with some grass seed so he could have a chance to walk on "American soil." Well, he got that grass growing and he trims it with scissors. But you wouldn't know that from the liberal press. That young couple did all that work for no recognition.

The press is too busy showing Paris's mugshot and pointing out that her tax cut is bigger than yours. Give me a break. Honor the troops. Don't dishonor Paris Hilton.

Pardon Scooter Libby

I don't see what all the fuss is about. A liberal judge with an agenda puts an outstanding public servant (assistant to the undeniably best vice president) behind bars just because he could not remember details of when (or if) he revealed the identity of a CIA operative to a newspaper reporter.

If she were such a good secret agent, why couldn't she keep her secret?

President Bush, it's time to get out your pardon pen!

Keep the Jails Available for The Real Criminals

Ever since I spent that drizzly morning trying to get on camera outside of the windows of the Today Show on a trip to New York about a year ago, I have been enchanted. She drove by in a SUV Limosine and there was no mistaking her smooth skin, long neck, and Coulteresque hair. It was Paris Hilton, heir to the fortune of the great American entrepeneur, philanthropist, and capitalist Conrad Hilton.

I felt like I was seeing royalty. Let me tell you, that car was the cleanest car I have ever seen!

That very same day, a little bit later, a waitress who was crying, clumsily, spilled a glass of water on my fries and did not say she was sorry when she replaced them. She said something in a foreign language--Puerto Rican or Mexican, maybe.

I think the moral of my story is clear: Let's keep the room in the prisons for the people who are really breaking the law, the illegal immigrants.

Meet Me at the Beach

I am heading out to the beach with my harpoon in hand. I hear that those two hunchback whales just got tired of having a gay old time in old Frisco and are coming this way. Maybe I can get some of my Jap friends to help me aim the harpoon. Sushi anyone?!

LoL.

A Message for Memorial Day

I want you to know that Memorial Day is not a day for hot dogs and apple pie and one-man-bands. It is a day to remember our war dead. I suggest that all of you readers out there on the internet, shut down your computers and make a treck out to the cemetary to honor all the graves with flags on them and pray for Jesus to make more young people volunteer for our armed forces to defend this great country. Now that we got Saddam we must fight to impose democracy on the Iraqis, so that they do not come here.

Heaven Is A Little Fuller Tonight!

Well you might as well not pray tonight because Heaven is going to be busy. I can see God now sitting around that big kitchen table in the sky and laughing wholeheartedly at the amusing and telling anecdotes of our dearly departed icon of love and understanding, the Reverend Jerry Falwell.

While Jesus is listening, God is holding Jerry in his welcome embrace (in a totally non-gay way) and repeating how proud he is of how the Reverend lived his life. I tell you, Jesus may even get a little jealous because of all the attention Jerry is getting!

Yes, our Jerry Falwell has left Lynchburg, Virginia and gone home to the Lord. I don't know what we will do without him.

Oh yes, and I was just kidding about not praying tonight. God always hears your prayers. His eye is on the sparrow. Maybe we can pray for Jerry to send down a little lightening bolt for Hillary. LOL.

Democrat Congress Gets Low Ratings!

Ha ha ha. A recent survey showed that the Democrat controlled congress gets ratings that are almost as low as the President's! Ha ha. Lol!

The Republican Debate Showed too Much of A Good Thing!

Rudy can really keep his steam in control when the terrorists attack. John McCain is so tough that he could, at his advanced age, still kill Osama Bin Laden with his bare hands. Yes, the Republican debate showed that we are like a child with a kids' menu at Applebee's. There are too many good choices! The most pleasant surprise was Tom Tancredo, of Colorado. He made many good points about how immigrants are actually making this country less secure by weakening it and constantly taking advantage of it. Sometimes every American must imagine what is would be like without some rude slob standing in front of the supermarket line and bumbling for change because, surprise! We don't have pesos in the USA--we have good old fashioned dollars!

Soldiers Give out Stuffed Animals To Iraqi Kids

The liberal press only wants to report the bad things, roadside bombs, mortor attacks, corruption. Well, wouldn't it be nice if they reported some news that could give the troops a warm fuzzy feeling? So far the troops have given out 7499 stuffed animals and stuffed smiley faces donated by the Wal-Mart Corporation. That is one toy for every child who wanted one in the largest orphanage in Bagdad, and one toy for every child who wanted one in the childrens' amputee ward of the National Hospital, currently run under the aegis of the good old US Army. Many of these kids never had a new toy in their life under the dictatorship of Saddam Hussein. The US Military is bringing joy and happiness and I challenge the mainstream liberal press to report it some time!

It's A Mexican Standoff!

Well, the Democrat party and Attorney General Alberto Gonzalez are toe to toe, eye to eye, waiting to see who will blink first and who will drop the chalupa. My money is on the sombrero-guy. He's not sleeping under a cactus with a burro, like most Mexicans. He is loyal to "el presidente" and I am damn proud of him!

The Attorney General Should Stick to His Guns!

Attorney general Alberto Gonzalez is my kind of Mexican. He wants what is best for the country. And I am talkin' about the United States. Heck, I love Mexican food and the reason Gonzalez fired those democrat sympathizers was because they were harassing the United States Government.
What part of "You are either with us or against us" don't they understand? They have to start thinking outside of the bun!
When those sympathizers try to investigate corruption in the federal government, they might as well join Osama and his crew. Our government is honester than a plain quesadilla with a dopple of sour cream.
I'd rather have Pancho Villa than Saddam Hussein any day!
Viva Gonzales!

The Most Beautiful Girl in the World Gets Flowers and a Nite on the Town

I am here in front of all cyberspace to announce that there is no way I will accept my girl leaving me. I know she loves me more than any woman in the world (except for my mom) and I know a good thing when I see it. Sweetheart, Brenda, you have already gotten the flowers by now. How about you accept my invitation to Olive Garden or Outback? It is on me. Pweeese!

Porcupinetaxi in love

Clinton and Obama Already are Running Scared

News reports that Hillary Clinton and Barak Obama are avoiding crossing paths with any of the Republicans who've thrown their hats in the ring are clearly true. It seems that the both of them choose the same hiding place, a civil rights rally in Selma, Alabama. Come on, get real. I bet those Southerners couldn't stop chanting, "We don't care how you do it up north!" They probably threw corn bread at them.

People are asking me who I endorse for the Republican (the winning) side of the ticket in 2008. Well, all I can say is that it's a good field and I am holding back on endorsing a specific candidate at this early time.

The British are Going! The British are Going!

We have to pick up the slack because the Brits are cutting and running in Iraq. If those Brits knew how to stay the course, maybe their empire wouldn't be something so tiny that the average American school kid can not find it on the world map. If they had fought harder, they could still have Hong Kong, India, Pakistan, Canada, The Bahamas, and a dozen other places.

What can we expect from a bunch of men who run around the countryside in skirts during their spare time!

Somebody Give Al Gore a Popsicle

Has anyone else noticed that while Al Gore is running around with his Hollywood flunkies shouting, "The sky is falling," and banging the drums of global warming, people are freezing their asses off in upstate New York? Global warming? He should check a thermometer.

Global warming is just a theory--just like evolution.

Brrrr. Someone hand Al a Popsicle and tell him it is an academy award. LOL.

Astro-nut Female Goes Hysterical

Nasa lost its gamble. It hired a female astronaut and somebody said something wrong to her and she went hysterical. In case you haven't heard, it was the wrong time of the month and she tried to kill a girlfriend of an astronaut who was a man.

Hey, do you know why they call it "The man in the moon?"
If they called it the woman in the moon it would be too unstable!
Lol.
Porcupinetaxi

Prayer Works!

I moved to the beautiful city of Garden Grove in the O.C. so that I could be closer to my church and it has sure paid off. I, my girlfriend Brenda, and a group of friends stayed into "overtime" after the services and prayed for the Colts to win the Superbowl. I almost feel guilty because God helped us so much that Chicago was totally humiliated. I wrote Peyton Manning and told him what he should know already in his heart, God is the real M.V.P.

The Dictators are Falling like Flies, except...

We have Saddam dangling on Youtube on every cellphone in the USA. We got stories of his associate's head popping off when the noose overtightened. Fidel Castro was on death's door, until a Doctor of short stature and high skills, educated in the US, began working for him. Dr. Reginald Gamma of the Maldive Islands bought a boat in the US and took it out for a spin and didn't stop until he got to Cuba. Now he is Castro's personal physician and Castro's health is improving by leaps and bounds.

President Bush, I know you read this blog. It is time to attack Cuba or the Maldive Islands, or both!

State of the Union: Bush Hits it Out Of The Ballpark!

I watched the state of the Union address on my new plasma TV last night and let me tell you, I have never been prouder of our president. He was clear and concise and didn't lose his concentration, even with that harpie, Nancy Pelosi, breathing over his shoulder. Can someone please talk to her about putting on makeup? Please?

Bush proved how we are resolved to win in Iraq. He also invited several heros to sit in the audience, among them, a guy who saved another guy from getting run over by a train in--of all places--New York City. It looks like Bush is keeping his eye on the sparrow.

The Most Beautiful Girl in the World Gets Flowers

I have sent some flowers to my wonderful and understanding girlfriend, Brenda. Sorry Honey if I neglected you.

Now back to politics. How about that Iraqi guy's head popping off when they hanged him?! I tell you. Don't mess with Uncle Sam!

Two Thousand Heros that Can win the War

The president's plan is fool proof. We send more troops (Mexican troops under US command) and deal with the changing dymamic in Iraq. That means that we overpower them and they simply will not know what hit them. The best part it that it is not an escalation, as critics keep misnomering. It is a surge in troop strength. With that increase in strength, we should be able to, excuse the expression, "kick the ass" of the Iraqis. Bush has shown bold initiative by ignoring both house and senate. He is a true leader. The legislative branch of government should get out of the way or suffer the consequences. If they don't...well, you saw what we did to Saddam!

And remember Iraq, God gave us Americans the bomb. You can't hide under your prayer rugs. You are either with us or against us.

Send Illegal Aliens to Fight the Iraqis

Our president wants to win the war in Iraq, but he knows that we need more fighters. Well, who are better fighters than Mexicans? We can solve the illegal alien problem and defeat the Iraqis just by sending our illegal aliens to do the fighting. Heck, we will have so many that we will be able to kick their asses with machetes!

The Democrats seem so worried about losing more American lives. Well, now they can't argue any more. Let's win the war and start pumping that oil. I have got an SUV to drive!

Jesus Would Have Hung Saddam

When Saddam Hussein turned down President Bush's polite request for him to take over the government of Iraq and "put things in order," he left our gallant president with only one alternative: Ask himself: "What would Jesus do?"

Well, if Saddam refuses to help the greatest democracy in the world, we should pull the plank out from under him and let the hangman's knot fall. That is what Jesus would have done. Our president did the right thing.

Check the Oil on that Ford

We must run President Ford's cadaver through rigorous testing for posioning. It just seems like too much of a coincidence that he dies of poisoning right after Vladimir Putin gave everyone the idea of culling enemies with secret toxins. It is just too much of a coincidence also that Ford would choose to die right after the democrats win the congress with their crooked voting machines. I say hook a geiger counter up to that corpse. He was a great American.

Bush Has A Secret Plan to Win in Iraq

Anyone who views "Barney’s Holiday Extravaganza" on the Whitehouse.gov website will see that there is a hidden message about President Bush's secret plan:

http://www.whitehouse.gov/holiday/2006/barneycam.html#

The little dog Barney is responsible for the holiday show, but he doesn't have a plot. He goes all over the White House and nobody will help him. Finally, he does some hilarious American idol type auditions and gets Carl Rove for the show. He gets encouragement from Emmit Smith, which shows that Bush is good for Black people. The show is so good that even Dolly Parton goes to the show. This shows that Bush is good for women (you can't deny that Dolly is a woman! I met her at Dollywood once).

Finally, Barney’s show is a big hit. Everyone applauds.

I feel that this is an allegory for President Bush's secret plan to win in Iraq. Just like Barney, he is being accused of not being prepared. Ultimately, by staying the course, the show goes off without a hitch. Iraq will go off without a hitch as well, when we bring in a new, democratically elected, Saddam.

Saddam was represented in the show by the cat. Notice how the cat came out from behind the curtain, which represents prison. The cat (Saddam) walked right into the camera, as if it were walking right into our lives. After the cat came out, everything went smoothly for Barney. The problem with Saddam was that he was a ruthless dictator. He was not democratically elected. If he is democratically elected (we can provide the voting machines) he will no longer be a dictator. I am sure that with the right kind of pressure, the Iraqi government can grant him a pardon.

The Christmas show ends with Santa, a snowman, and another character waving to the audience and saluting Barney. They represent the three ethnicities of Iraq, united by Bush (Barney) in a new, Christian Iraq, with a "new" Christian President, Saddam Hussein-- who will have found Jesus in the US prison system. Saddam and the Bush family were friends before. They can be friends again. After all, he is the only person who can control Iraq. We need him.

Forgiveness, human reconciliation, and peace on Earth. It is a beautiful story and a beautiful plan.
Happy holidays. ---Porcupinetaxi

Bush Should Ignore Iraq Study Group

The job of a leader is to lead, not follow. President Bush should ignore the findings and suggestions of the Iraq study group unless he can use them to illustrate how we should keep going the way we are until victory. What part of "Stay the course" do they not understand? We must keep fighting until the job's done!

We would have won in Vietnam, heck we would have Hanaoi full of McDonalds instead of just a couple, if Richard Nixon hadn't turned so liberal. And remember that James Baker once worked for Ronald Reagan, who was too liberal and had alzheimers.

I am proud of President George Bush for standing up against the tide of popular opinion in this country. There is a true leader in the oval office!

Send Bush Cards

Our commander and chief needs us. He feels all alone, now that the Democrats staged a coup and the Republicans are pretending not to know him. The president needs cards from regular people like you and upper class people like me so he won't feel like we don't appreciate what he is doing. Send your cards to

comments@whitehouse.gov.

President George Bush
The White House
1600 Pennsylvania Avenue NW
Washington, DC
20500

What Went Wrong!?

Everyone is asking what went wrong with the elections. I will tell you. Hugo Chavez, the friend of of Fidel Castro and president of Venezuela, hacked into the voting machines in the good old US of A and manipulated the results! Democracy? RIP. This is terrible because now President Bush feels nervous and insecure cause he thinks he has lost support. From the people I have been talking to, I get the idea that he really got the majority of the vote--the Republicans anyway.

Election Day, USA!!!

It is election day in the United States and I spent most of the day talking to voters outside of various neighborhood polling places. They tell me that it doesn't matter who you vote for, the important thing is that you educate yourself and vote for the most qualified candidate.

I couldn't disagree more. We have to send a strong message around the world that we support President Bush. If we act all fragmented now, the terrorists may blow up the super bowl!

Don't get me wrong, I am not saying that President Bush is less qualified than anyone. After all, he is not running. And did you hear what John Kerry said about the troops all being retarded? It's enough to make me want to break one of the ten commandments.

Anyway, I am not worried. We have the voting machines. They will do what's right. LOL!

North Korea Doesn't Deserve to Have its Own Bomb

North Korea doesn't deserve to have its own bomb. Let's look at things logically. All the countries who have atomic bombs have a rich history (except Pakistan). North Korea doesn't have a history at all, except for Kim Jong Il putting people in front of the firing squad for drawing a picture of him wearing a diaper. Heck, North Korea isn't even a country.

England, that is a country. And we kicked their ass in a little war that we like to call the War of 1812! Israel hints that they have a bomb, but let's face it, even if they have one, they will be too cheap to ever explode it. Russia is a democracy now. China makes almost 90% of the toys used in the USA by our kids. Those two countries have come a long way since the cold war. We can't even really call them commies any more. France has the bomb, but heck, they invented the guillotine. They are just as likely to use it on themselves as on anyone else.

Finally there is India. They are too busy making lousy movies that don't make any sense. Don't tell me Gandhi's country is capable of letting off a nuclear device. Ain't gonna happen.

North Korea just doesn't fit in to our group. Sorry Kim, but we don't want a guy with a girls name in our club anyway!

Foley Was Drunk So he Is Not To Blame

The Christian thing to to would be to forgive The honorable Representative Mark Foley for his transgressions so that we can keep our grip on the house. After all, he has reported that he was abused by an unnamed pedophile priest when he was a teen. On top of that, he was drunk and using an electronic device. He is over 50 and from Palm Beach County.

Don't you remember how all those old Palm Beachers were confused by the voting ballots in the past election? Foley probably didn't even know what buttons on his Blackberry he was pushing. Now he has enrolled himself in an alcoholicism treatment facility, so the problem is solved. Now that he is cured, he will never again invite a young teenager to have "a drink" at his place. We must forgive him because Jesus would have forgiven him.

Teenagers and kids, on the other hand, are electronically savvy. We can not forgive the kids for what they have done. It is really sickening.

Do you Get the Point, Osama?

The good old USA will stop at nothing to defeat the terrorists who attacked us on September 11, 2001. Osama bin Laden has tasted our resolve in the form of a knuckle sandwich delivered by our beloved commander and chief, President Bush. The president has shown that we are just as willing to make sacrifices, as now more soldiers have died in the war on terror in Iraq than people died in the attacks on 9/11.

Get it Osama? You kill "X" number of people, we will sacrifice"X" plus one, until we get you.

On a lighter note, I would like to announce that I have a girlfriend. She is the most beautiful girl in the world, and what a cook!

The Geneva Convention Didn't Know What They Were Talking About

The President is right! The people who made the Geneva Convention were a bunch of uneducated foreigners. I mean, for some people, listening to the wrong kind of music is torture. Are we going to try our CIA interrogators for treason just because they were listening to a cassette by Benny Cantini during a simple Q and A with a suspect. Give me a break. Congress needs to pass a law that defines torture of people as something practiced by other countries, not the USA. Problem solved and everyone is happy.

Elections are upcoming and We are going to Kick Some Tail

The Democratic crybabies are going to say that we cheated again, but let me tell you, there is no way to check the trail of voting machines. It is all computerized and, well, by George, we will do it again. Democrats, you are stuck on stupid. If you want to win another election there is only one way: SWITCH To REPUBLICAN. Ha ha ha.

Let's Not Give In To Terrorists

The terrorists have undoubtedly invested heavily into Gatorade and then dumped the stocks right before starting the commotion about bringing explosive Gatorade into those (flimsy) British planes. I say that we should buy double the amount of Gatorade now. That way, they will regret their stock market manipulating scheme. Buy Gatorade, and pass this on to anyone you know by cutting and pasting. Don't let the terrorists win!

Start a Gusher Under Santa's Reindeer

Now is the time to start drilling for oil in the Artic National Wildlife Refuge. With all of this turmoil in the Middle East, all signs point to Armageddon. We Born-again Christians will soon be sucked up into Heaven with the rapture, so we might as well use the oil for our driving needs and enjoyment. Yes, I believe I deserve every feature on my expensive, gas guzzling, SUV.

Back to the topic, if we don't use the oil it will go to waste, since the good Lord is going to destroy the world, we might as well use the precious fuel that he has given us. To not use it would be like a child throwing a birthday present back in the face of his father, without opening it. We have no right to insult the Lord so.

Don't Mess With God's Chosen People

Well, I hope those terrorists learn their lesson, if you mess with God's chosen people, then you are going to get burned. I may not be Jewish, but I consider myself to be somewhat of a Biblical scholar of the old testament. If those fellows would put down their Korans and pick up a Bible, they would see that you just can't mess with the Jews. Look what happened to Hitler!

One thing about my country, the good old USA, we always bet on the winning horse. If you kidnap an Israeli, the USA will provide all the bombs and planes necessary to respond to their ransome note.

Rush Limbaugh Drug Possession being Blown Out of Proportion

I have to bring up a point about my colleague in media, Rush Limbaugh. The liberal media is getting all pumped up about him carrying illegal prescription of viagra into the country and getting busted by customs. Well, those liberal cry babies are being excessively hard on him. You see, Rush is not married. He holds traditional values dear and therefore would not have sexual relations outside of marriage. Any idiot who listens to him would know that. Obviously he is showing honor by protecting the person who really needed the erection drugs. Obviously, Rush was transporting them for some married friend who has a plain or non-stimulating wife, and who was probably trying to conceive a baby.

For the record, he was not holding the viagra for me. Heck, I am single.

A Response to Comments About My Blog On Beetle Baily

I have received many comments about what I said about Beetle Baily in an earlier blog. Well, I stand by my comments because that is what I honestly believe. I don't write in this blog based on popularity polls. I have to write what I feel is right. If Beetle Baily goes to Iraq, American kids will follow, and Iraq will be free.

Another Great Day In California

I am going condor hunting! I mean, these endangered species are endangered for a reason. They are just too dumb to survive. I say mow down the koala trees!

Ann Coulter is on my Nightstand

One of my readers commented recently that I should write Ann Coulter and ask her for a job as a joke writer. Well, readers, do you think she would give me a job? Every morning and night, her photo is the one I say "good morning" or "good night" to. My fantasy is meeting her on the beach and then she asks me to rub some oil on her.

They Seem To Like "Hanging Around" in Guantanamo

Those terrorists who hung themselves with bedsheets in Guantanamo will finally get their trial. I bet they are going to s*** their pants when they see Jesus there sitting on his throne next to God. Just imagine:

"Abdul, Why does the judge have holes in his hands and feet?"
"I don't know, Omar, but I think we bet on the wrong horse!"
"Horse? What ever are you talking about?"
"Is it too late to convert?"

Why Isn't Beetle Baily in Iraq?

If you ask me, Beetle Baily is just as bad as the draft-dodging Bill Clinton. If he really loved this country, he would be in Iraq! Sarge should be in Iraq, too! And his little dog with a uniform, he should be sniffing out mines. All of these characters in the funny papers are telling kids that it is ok to not be in Iraq. What this country needs is more kids thinking it is a good idea to go to Iraq. Heck, we need to replace the ones that can't fight any more.

The Iraquis are crybabies

What the Devil do they expect? I mean, now the Iraquis are complaining because soldiers are torturing and killing them? Come on. Let's get real. It is a war. If you were shooting people all day, you would have trouble too, stopping the killing, and if a little kid kept bothering you, asking for a stuffed animal when you had given all of your supply away, well you might just decide to blow him away. It is human nature.

Rush Limbaugh Admits No Crime

Rush Limbaugh has proven that he is innocent of using multiple doctors so that he could get a huge stash of powerful painkillers. Unfortunately, he had to make a deal with the court to prove his innocence, but a dropped charge is a dropped charge.

Maybe he did some creative doctor shopping, but the poor guy has been under stress, what with his listenership turning away from him and some of them getting hooked on drugs themselves, and let's not mention the president's approval rating, which is being misrepresented.

It is enough to make anyone take drugs and how about that Ted Kennedy!?

So after a year Rush will not have a criminal record. No record, no crime! It is as simple as that.

Bush Is Listening to your calls, Good Idea!

The president is listening in on your calls and you are going to get it if you say something that is unpatriotic or against the USA. And if Osama calls you, well George might say, "Make my day!"

I have nothing to hide, so if my call is being monitored, I hope the unknown listener learns something from my enlightened opinions.

I just hope none of our secret agents dies of boredom, from listening to the babbling and incoherent drivel from some of our liberals who don't like me or Ann Coulter.

Rats are abandoning a Ship that is in Ship Shape!

Some people say that the Bush people who are leaving the administration in droves are leaving like "rats from a sinking ship." Well, I am here to tell you that they are leaving because they have done such a good job that there is no more room for improvement.

Approval Rating is being mis-reported

Our president's approval rating is actually higher than the press is reporting. Instead of hiring polling companies to survey the people for approval percentages, they should go down to the local gun shop and then ask the customers as they walk out the door, then we would get a higher aproval rating...one with power!